A recent, very recent realization

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Please read This Page first (click on the words this page) and then make your way back to other postings God willing.

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*Read at your own risk*

~It is noticed by now that I try to remember to explain many words I use in Spanish or Arabic religious terms, due to the emotional content of this blog and it’s length I have hyper linked many things for my non Muslim readers to be able to follow along as well.~

*The views expressed on my personal blog are more of My experience with Islam and does not reflect on other Muslims; nor Americans, nor Mexicans. My views are of what my life has made of me and are personally reflected through my style and life. Any errors is from me and any good or guidance is from God alone.*

Al Qur’an 89:27-28

(for you new people  interested in Islam, new Muslims, non Muslims, or the non religious, put aside your weird feeling of betrayal for the bible,disdain, and suspicions of the Noble Qur’an and just open your mind to a different point of view or at least to what I’m saying)

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Al Qur’an 89:27-28 – translated from the original Arabic more or less says

“To the righteous soul will be said: Oh soul, in complete rest and satisfaction come back to your Lord! Well pleased yourself & well pleasing unto him! Enter YOU into My heaven“

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Wow! imagine being well pleased, at rest, well pleasing to God the Most High…man, oh man, imagine feeling all those emotions! SubhanaAllah!

My Rub, the Most Merciful, the Most High, the One and Only Almighty God send those words down to mankind, imagine such an invitation!

Imagine a tortured, lost, depressed, sad, angry, non happy internally soul (me)…I could go on and on, however in Islam we don’t, well we are not supposed to broadcast our sins. The reason for this is God wants us worshiping, grateful, and happy; not depressed. Also because you don’t want to seem as if you are glorifying these sins, things, lifestyles, or emotions. Anyhow, imagine me; hurt and sad, not feeling very Religious or at peace particularly at that moment and reading that?!? This, this Qur’an verse above is for me!

SubhanaAllah, how amazing is he? That he, the God of all of us knew that we would go astray or be hurt in this world and knew to welcome us back and comfort us!

This verse is for me….Right now, at this exact moment; I wont divulge to much on many of the why’s I felt this way, since it will go off topic to soon into the blog; but I’m sure a few good handful of you can maybe imagine why I felt that way at that moment. If not, you’ll know soon or you have linked to enough of my sites that you seen already.  A lot, a BIG chunk of my not embracing Islam fully earlier in my life was because of pictures and video clips, but mostly pictures.

That’s right. Pictures.

Ever hear of the quotes

“A picture is worth a thousand words”

or

” & I’ll mark all the empty spots in my photo album with all the memories we will never get to make”?

A Díos pertenecemos y a el volvemos…..

Ina lilahi wa ina Raijoon…

**{Allahunnaj ‘alhu lana farata

waj’alha lana shafi’atan

wa mushafa ah}

To God we belong and to him is our return.

I think know that is the single most hardest thing I have ever said……..

*Back on topic*

Well, if I became  a ‘real’ Muslimah, I knew from my previous Religiosity as a youngster my capacity of worship and obedience to the word of God from being Jehovah Witness; that I would be hardcore, meaning a true practicing Muslimah not a follower by name only. SubhanaAllah, I am so blessed by Him, for he has truly tested me and made me of the strong ones InshaAllah.

Back when I was an older child and youngster, I was introduced to God and his immense love and forgiveness. I was introduced to Religion, and the Oneness of God through the Religion of Jehovah Witnesses. I preached door to door with love, zeal, heart, and conviction. As a young teenager, before finding things wrong with J.W. customs for me, and being a sinful teenager; I even managed to speak to the congregation twice! (like preaching or dawah) If I became a true practicing Muslimah, (shout out to my fellow sisters in Islam who cover for modesty, for Allah, piety, I have Mad respect and kudos for you all!) I would have to “let go and let God”…God I hated that quote too. So not ready!

I knew at some point it would or should, lead to full respect for myself; the word of God, and full obedience and love for preaching and following the laws of Islam. (The Religious orders in life as sent down in the Qur’an) I also knew that meant piety, modesty, and eventually covering my body with more than shorts and tight somewhat cleavage showing shorts. Even a s a new Shahadah saying Muslim I still dressed and dress “normally” as in American wise normal, but still classy. My clothing slowly became and is becoming a size looser, longer, and more concealing but yet not exactly covered by Islamic standards. I know I will eventually get to hijab (head scarf Muslim women wear) but for now I am learning and working my way there, it’s unavoidable at this point, I feel the desire in me growing, but that’s another day, another blog. Modesty leads to piety, and covering, no more shorts, little shirts and eventually the scarf. We (Muslim sisters at our gatherings, events, halaqas, and Mosque’s) be rolling mad deep like la Virgen María (P.B.U.H.){the Virgin Mary mother of Jesus P.B.U.H.}

Covering means the very arduous, and long task of trying to get all of our Un Islamic pics and behaviors off of the net, that is a project to get other hard headed, Muslim bashing, friend/family who ♥ the old you people to do for most of us reverts!

However that is somewhat easy for me, Thank God peoples opinions don’t matter to much to me. My removing my pics, certain pics….another story entirely. My pictures of me and my beloved, Always Remembered daughter Destiny and me.

I’m not ready, didn’t want to even consider it back then. That would mean my precious, beloved, smile-provoking, thought-inducing memories couldn’t all be shared. My already very few photos that I have left of well over 1,000 I had accumulated of us in 7 years would become even less that what I managed to replace or get copies of. Wouldn’t that be as if I never existed with her in those memories? Would it seem as if I wasn’t an attentive caring mother? It already looks like that with the few photos I have managed to acquire over the last 5 years, imagine removing from public sight the ones of us where I am in shorts with her, bathing suit swimming, or in shorts and little shirts on hot days?!? I couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to myself.  Just the thought of it made my breathing labored. I couldn’t put myself forcefully, by MY choice, into that spot of sadness and lack of memories. I couldn’t cause myself more anger, and pain. I couldn’t do that to myself again. Again?…..

It was as if Lightening struck me!

A light bulb went off in my head.

I realized suddenly that I have not forgiven myself, truly forgiven myself. I said it years ago, I screamed why, cried, and almost “lost it” and told my self I forgave myself, but truth be told I just buried it and thought of that part none, while talking of this. I thought I had, all these years…FIVE years, to be exact & I still secretly hated myself for being sleepy, stressed, pregnant, poisoned, and forced into a no-win-horrible tragedy-AstagfiruAllah.

All those issues, the false self assurance, the phony conceitedness, the self led road to self destruction I was on, it all makes sense now, I secretly hid from myself that I hated myself! SubhanaAllah, SubhanaAllah….

MashaAllah I am so smart, how could I have been so dumb, blind, and stupid to not see the self hatred was driving me?! I was enabling myself still, even though as a “Muslim” I didn’t “dwell” on ‘it’. I still became extremely depressed when attempting to make a video of memories for her…wow.

Even after one of the happiest times in my life, after saying Shahadah and going from praying 1 time a day to three to five times a day now, I am proud to say; and watching my old cynical, judging, questioning, attention seeking, angry, no patience having, cynical, moody self slowly chip away little by little, Hijab and Full devotion were an “InshaAllah” thing to be considered later. InshaAllah, meaning like an Egyptian, and Falestinian InshaAllah, which most of us know, that’s much more like a ‘hhhmmm maybe, maybe not now type of thing’. You all know what I’m talking ’bout! “chyea you know”(George Lopez accent) I was still holding back subconsciously.  I don’t very much care what to many people think about my being Muslim. They know at work I’m Muslim, I wear my necklace with the name of Allah on it, almost daily. It’s no secret about my Islam, so that’s not why I’m not covering yet.

I kept filing the pictures of hers into one folder to make her a video than I got started. I just couldn’t go through with it! Too painful still! I realized with the help of a my space friends comment that I never finished the video for Brenda I claimed I would make over two years ago when we finished the song we made for her after her murder. So I started making a video for my sister Brenda instead.

That’s when the realization of my non forgiveness for myself hit me. I cried and cried and went on hurting. In my heart, dreams and soul she is alive and well….she is and always will be my Beloved Always Remembered child. My soul is almost as if it’s 90% missing. In the native American Culture, well in the ones I know of….A child, a baby, unborn, or new born and young is considered a persons soul, not another person quite so much yet. If a mother dies in childbirth it is very common to hear the statement “we couldn’t save her but we saved her soul”. Meaning the mother died but the baby lived (crap crying again) Well in my case I couldn’t save my soul, literally. I tried God knows I tried!…

I….

ina lilaji wa ina raijoon

April 15 2004 I was remade, reborn so to speak. I became a terrible, unhappy, cynical, God hating (AstagfiruAllah) depressed person. I couldn’t even enjoy my newborn child when she arrived for all the hurt, disappointment, anger, and depression. AstagfiruAllah, God forgive me. MashaAllah he gave me such a bouncy, gorgeous, healthy, beautiful little girl who had no traumas, or medical problems as a result of the Carbon monoxide poisoning I suffered trying to save her sister destiny. All I can say is Thank You God. After some time and a horrible event or two, I realized I never was one for cynicism and God bashing. I realized I was going to hurt or finish myself or try to again (AstagfiruAllah) and I had to come to a solution, I hugged the Urn, I cried and it was terrible! I won’t go into it to much as I don’t want to get severely depressed, but in the end I ‘forgave’ myself so I could go on living or so I thought.

I finally realized I really hadn’t though on May 7th- 8th. It was  strange my space and face book days, and the day I made Brenda’s video I was online but “not all there”. I had this depression and anger for those who shall remain unmentioned who caused Brenda’s murder. This time I didn’t pray for their demise, death, murder, or tragedy though as I used to when not practicing Islam. Apparently these are NOT accepted prayers in Islam…darn

I wish I could say I prayed for their acceptance of Islam….No, I’d be lying if I maintained the previous statement as a truth & I have no use for lies at all any more at this point in my life. To old and to tired to bother with much these days. No, I don’t wish that I could say that. Honestly before my forgiveness of myself I wished something very quite differently for them in fact. AstagfiruAllah.

I was online but just not feeling it, I kept crying and thinking about Destiny, Brenda and Destiny again. I had this strange urge and feeling. For some reason while very sad I kept thinking about what The Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H.) was told when he first saw the angel of God-”Read in the name of your Lord”-?? Hmm I always have been an odd one. Imagine all the aforementioned emotions and then that popping in your head? A terrible depression feeling was engulfing me but suddenly I had this warm rush like feeling wash over me followed by the most calming rush of warmth like sensation? -READ in the name of your Lord- Yeah random quotes always pop into my thoughts like that. I have a lot of brain itinerary going on. I looked at my my space  page. The first thing I saw was an old favorite of mine….

He answers the supplications of the supplicant I read….hmmm

I started praying, not like the Fajr prayer, more of a Du’a. I prostrated, I sat, I cried. I just started praying a Du’a unheard of but I’m sure of well known by any Muslim and/or grieving mommy of any Faith all over the world.

I cried deeply and asked no more why’s and finally forgave myself and prayed for strength and forgiveness to God. I realized the above mentioned Qur’an verses was for me. I realized my non peace with Destiny’s death, my so not rested soul, and truly forgave myself and asked for the Most High to forgive me even though I knew he already had by bringing me to Islam.

I asked for forgiveness because here is my child, in heaven, HEAVEN! and I’m angry?!? SubhanaAllah. Thank you Allah for saving my daughter from worse things than death and practically guaranteeing my spot in Heaven with her again!

Thank you God for not allowing her to live severely brain damaged from the Carbon Monoxide poisons that filled her little 7 year old body in seconds. Thank you God for not allowing her to be “alive” connected to a machine severely “damaged” from the heat of the inferno that my house became

Made by Molly for me April 2006

that fateful night. Thank you God for sending me Islam as my Religion and the Qur’an with this message! I didn’t cause it and I couldn’t save her, but I can save what she taught me. She taught me to relive, to be responsible, to grow up and be fun, to enjoy life. Is it sad? Yes. Very sad, but the thought of her not suffering and begging Allah (swt) my access to paradise any way I want in is so much happier a thought.

Therefore I have two HUGE birthdays, March 13 09 the day I accepted Islam and to learn, grow, and become a better person and Muslim, one of my happiest letting go moments. Equally as important May 8th 2009 true forgiveness from myself and allowing my baqara (Blessings) from Allah. I am so blessed people you have no clue! SubhanaAllah and MashaAllah, Allah u Akbar! times 100.

That’s right!!!! SubhanaAllah I am on my way to inner peace.

** The above Du’a that I wrote in Arabic above after ina Lilaji wa ina raijoon is usually a part of Salatul Janazah (a funeral prayer)  that is read for a deceased girl. Translated into English it reads….

Oh God, make her a forerunner and make her for us a reward and a treasure and make her one who will plead for us and accept her pleading.**

Edited at 9:32 p.m. to add this video!

It couldn’t be more fitting, perfect as if it was made for me.

Myself as a Muslimah, I do not agree with the separation in Islam and believe Allah (swt) sent us all his words Alhamdulilah.

This is a beautiful video